In religious deconstruction, you dismantle theologies and carefully reconstruct them. What do you do when deconstruction makes you crazy?
Recently, a theology student told me about the classes that challenged her deeply held beliefs. Any good theology class will do this. I remember the seminary classes that upended my own simplistic Sunday school education. The first time you hear that Moses didn’t write the Pentateuch, it can rattle your cage. Or, if you believe the Bible is infallible but then realize that Paul wrote from the mistaken impression that Jesus was going to return within his lifetime, it can send you into a tailspin.
Jesus Talked About Deconstruction
Deconstruction is a good thing—because the faith that cannot withstand the storms was built on shoddy material. When Jesus Talked About Deconstruction, he knew that tearing down and rebuilding faith was common for his Jewish hearers. In a May 18, 2023 article, I wrote:
Israel left Egypt but continued to follow the cult of the golden calf. They had to learn to give up those old beliefs to embrace something new. When Solomon built the temple, they needed to give up Tabernacle worship in exchange for something permanent. With the destruction of that temple in 587/586 BCE, Jewish believers had to adapt to worship without their center for sacrifice. Thus, the synagogue was born. A couple of generations later, many Jews returned from captivity in Babylon and Persia and reinstituted the sacrifice. All of this involved religious deconstruction and reconstruction. Soon, a new temple was built. In Jesus’ day, it was not only reconstructed but improved.
Jesus knew that religious deconstruction and reconstruction are good for people. We must unlearn and relearn if we are going to make our faith our own. Any good seminary class will dismantle false beliefs you once held, and help you construct a more stable understanding of God. But sometimes the deconstruction is so traumatic, and the rebuilding so costly, that it leaves you reeling. What should you do when deconstruction makes you crazy?
1. Know That You’re in Good Company
The first thing is to know that you’re in good company. When Saul deconstructed his faith, the transformation was so radical that he ended up changing his name to accommodate the shift. The new perspective altered him so much that he felt like a whole new person. Now called Paul, he had to rebuild his Jewish theology from the ground up, this time recognizing Jesus as Messiah. When he presented his new understanding to Festus, Festus shouted, “Paul, you are insane. Too much study has made you crazy!” So, it’s a good thing to know that you’re not alone. Others have gone through this kind of faith revolution—and you’ll make it to the other side of this deconstruction/reconstruction journey.
2. Remember that Theology Doesn’t Exist
Not that it isn’t a noble pursuit, but when we study theology, we must keep it in perspective. In “No Such Thing as Theology,” I wrote:
Theology is a misnomer because it isn’t the study of God. It’s the study of observations we made about the world, which lead us to ideas about God. Theology is the study of testimonies from people who believe they had a direct experience of God. It’s the study of the history of people’s notions about God, and how those ideas and people interacted with each other. When we elevate our opinions to an “ology,” we demote God to a sample in a Petrie dish. Then we decide who’s right and who’s wrong. We fight with those we label wrong and call them sinners or heretics. These labels enable us to alienate them and kill them. Because we made God a subject to study, rather than an ocean in which to swim.
As we study theology, it’s good to exercise humility. That’s because there is no such thing as theology. Buddhists have a saying: “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” Taoists say something similar: “The Tao that can be described is not the Tao.” In essence, these aphorisms remind us that the moment we try to explain the unexplainable, it slips through our fingers. Theology is that way. We must remember that we can never truly study or fully comprehend God. So, hold loosely to whatever theology you come to in your reconstruction.
3. Reflect on Your Relationship with God.
Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.” Trust is based on relationship, while insight is based on learning. My theology has changed from what it was twenty years ago. I’ll be sorely disappointed if it’s the same in twenty years as it is today. My understanding is going to change as I learn and grow. If I feel like too much learning is driving me crazy, I must step back and reflect on my relationship with God.
I need to remember that God is not a proposition—God is Ultimate Reality. God is the One in whom I live and move and have my being. It’s my relationship with the Divine that will ground me when too much study fries my brain. Here’s a story about how my relationship with God is more important than my understanding of God:
I recall one night in my mid-twenties when I was so full of frustration and desperation that I didn’t know what to do. While a friend prayed for me, I experienced a vision in which I was a baby in the arms of God. With a bearded male face, God spoke to me in the female voice of my old bus driver. Only three words were needed to calm my anxious heart. With the eyes of a grandmother, God simply said, “You soooo funny!” All at once I knew that all my worries were pointless, as I lived in the Everlasting Arms.
When I feel like too much learning is driving me crazy, I reflect on my relationship with God. Grounding experiences like these keep me from conceptualizing God as an object within my evolving theology. Deconstructing and reconstructing a belief can be disconcerting. Spiritual experience is something far more stabilizing.
When Deconstruction Makes You Crazy
When deconstruction makes you crazy, it’s easy to feel isolated from people, overwhelmed, and cut off from God. Remember—others have walked this path before you. You can form community with those who are going through deconstruction/reconstruction right along with you. (Keith Giles’ Square One is a good place to start.)
As your beliefs change, keep in mind that there really is no such thing as theology. Or, at best, theology is meant to be a fluid thing that changes as you evolve. Finally, try to identify at least one deep, grounding, spiritual experience you’ve had. As your beliefs about God change, remember that you are a beloved child resting in the arms of Love. While your theology can (and should) change over the years, God’s love is something you can rely on.
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