If asked, I’d advise a new bride to remember to: Put aside your own wishes at times. Downs are normal and plentiful! Be honest and firm, but gentle. Love is a decision. Laugh as much as you can.
Put Aside Your Own Wishes At Times
In some moments, it’s not about you at all. If your husband wants to have a good friend stay a few nights, and you don’t even know the person, by all means, help hubby prepare for this. Cook good meals. Help entertain even when you might not feel like it.
My husband, Rich’s, dream was to purchase a decent, used Roadtrek camper van. It was expensive, and I hate camping. But I wanted him to have it ––God knows he’s supported my many expensive dreams throughout the years. He loves it and enjoys working on it and detailing it. I get a kick out of seeing him happy.
In 2002, My husband went through two hip replacements. He was in major pain, and our young daughters didn’t understand the extent. One of them rammed right into his newly sawed, hammered and screwed leg! He howled. Tough moments for us as a couple when the stakes are high like this. Life is definitely not always a rose garden.
The patience required for marriage is through the roof at times. But we humans are not alone. God will help us tap into His power to achieve otherworldly kindness and steadfastness. “Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7,8
Enjoy the Ups, But Downs are Normal and Plentiful
I had a very naive view of what marriage would be like, and I was very young. Reality was harsh. I took things so personally, and harbored all sorts of resentments. A cranky day is just that –a grumpy time. No more, no less. You have to move on from these instances, not collect them like a sink of dirty dishwater.
I have found that a little positivity goes a long way when the downs get the best of a couple. I try to give my husband unexpected little surprises, or one of his favorite meals, or we take a car ride and get coffees, or take a bike ride. Distraction from outside negative issues which plague us but cannot be resolved, is healthy, indeed.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Be Honest and Firm, But Gentle
Acceptance of a spouse’s preferences is huge. You must communicate. Let each other be themselves. We are not each other’s parent. Have the courage to speak your truth, but only say it once. In the 12-Step Program Literature book, Courage to Change, it says, “Sometimes the only way I can determine whether I’m trying to control someone else, or whether I’m simply expressing my feelings, is by noticing how many times I say the same thing.”
Thomas a Kempis said, “We should have much peace if we would not busy ourselves with the sayings and doings of others.”
It also says in Courage to Change, “Today I will be honest with myself; I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel, or to want what I do not want.”
“This above all, to thine own self be true.” William Shakespeare. It has taken me years to get absolutely honest about my real feelings, as I never want to disappoint anyone. As a wife, you must balance biting your tongue or speaking up, nicely. This truthfulness avoids later resentments.
I have finally made it clear that I can’t stand camping. Hubby has accepted this. He now goes by himself and has a grand ole time! (Heretofore, I miserably went along, and it wasn’t pretty. I like running water, electricity and indoor plumbing. Is that so wrong)?
Love Is A Decision, Not A Feeling
I repeat this mantra to myself multiple times. I don’t know who said it, but it is paramount to marriage survival.
If Rich disagrees on a point I’ve made, or corrects me on a detail, I do not argue, (except maybe once a year, when I am having a low self-esteem day, and need to prevail). Usually during our daily life, I let it go. How important is it? Not at all. Petty disagreements invite strife, and once that digs its muddy heels in, we may not speak to each other for a few days.
You must choose your battles, as they say.
You must be available to your spouse, even when you’ve had a rotten day. I have to make sure I’m listening and fully present, no matter what. After all, Rich has listened to me many times, when I’m sure he would rather have been doing something else.
The holding jobs. I loathe them. My husband is extremely handy, so he fixes anything. But at times he needs four hands. That’s where I come in, but… I am not a strong guy! If I don’t hold something steady so he can screw it on, we both start yelling. What can I do? I can quit taking it personally and try again.
Laugh As Much As You Possibly Can
No better way to lift out of the daily grind and frustrations than to watch fun shows together. My better half and I love dumb movies. Stepbrothers is the best. We also love Seinfeld and quote it often.
Have plenty of inside jokes and repeat them often to each other, for bonding. These things remind us of our ignorant, blissful dating days. How lovely.
Send one another cute animal shenanigans from Instagram. We do this constantly, and there’s nothing like it. God put animals here to boost us up.
On Saturdays, we like to stop at Sam’s Club for the cheapest gas in town. We sit there waiting with everybody else and their brother. Lines and lines of impatient folks just trying to save a buck. So, in order to dispel the boredom, we quietly comment to each other about the people in front of us. We truly are quite obnoxious, and good thing the windows are up. We talk about their silly shirts with goofy phrases on them, we exclaim that she should not wear an orange shirt if her hair is dyed pink, and we wonder why the guy with the long, braided beard and even longer ponytail is texting someone, when he should be pumping. Come on, cool dude!
We sound like hecklers in our smug little peanut gallery. We are insufferable. Then when we get to the front of the line, woe to us, because the people waiting behind us are probably doing the same thing we did! When Rich is pumping, he thinks they say under their breath, “Oh Lordy. It’s that old guy again.”
Creating fun out of the mundane. This, I believe, is the secret to a good marriage.
All of these above 5 strategies I would share with a bride who is open to my experience. I certainly wish someone had told me these things when I was young and clueless.
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