I can’t stop my wracking sobs. We all loved Matthew Perry. He left us way too soon, October 28th, 2023, age 54. Friends was one of the most iconic sitcoms ever, in the history of T.V. Matthew’s memoir, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing (2022) perfectly describes the devastating disease from which this spectacularly talented actor/screenwriter suffered. Alcoholism and Addiction are cunning and baffling. As we grieve, we can all be grateful for 3 things this brilliant and complex man taught us: Persistence, Generosity, and “There But For The Grace of God Go I”.
I have seen so much, watching this disease play out in my own family. I would describe it as a thick, opaque black veil, which tries to cover all the good in a person. There’s no other word for this ailment –it SUCKS.
It’s suckdom begins in the early teens, usually, when a person takes their memorable first drink. Or happens upon their first Vicodin, Oxy, etc. The “warm honey in their veins”, as Matthew describes it, is too glorious. They have found the holy grail of numbing the hard edges of life. The mitochondria in their cells, its chemistry quite different from us “normal” folk, immediately craves this bliss again and again. In their bodies, once they ingest, it is impossible to stop. This is not occasional partying; it becomes a grudging, daily way of life. His all-day Vodka usage is sad and legendary.
Our beloved friend, Chandler Bing, wrote that he was up to 55 Vicodin per day. His body grew such a tolerance, he needed that many for the high. Then it ceased to be any high at all. He had to maintain that supply, just to not feel sick! He explained that collecting this kind of maintenance volume of the drug, 365 days a year, was another full time job! Especially when he lived on the fortieth floor, in his penthouse in Century City!
In 2018 his opioid abuse, and its constipation side effect, caused his colon to explode. He had to have a colostomy bag for 9 months, which, thankfully, was removed later. He entered a coma for 2 weeks and was in the hospital 5 months.
Chandler was living in a 3-month rehabilitation facility when a studio driver picked him up for the episode to go marry Monica, then dropped him back there, to finish out his stint. The stories in this memoir are mind-blowing.
He endured 65 grueling detox sessions. One time it was so bad, sitting in his rehab room, clawing at the sheets, his body screaming for its substance, that he ran to the hallway stairwell. He banged his forehead against the cement wall over and over, drawing blood and nasty bruising. The attendant asked why on Earth? He replied, “I didn’t know what else to do.”
Persistence
Perry estimated that he attended 6,000 to 10,000 AA meetings. He writes that he spent approximately 9 million dollars attempting sobriety. I greatly admire his efforts. He did the footwork, earning up to 2 years of being clean at a time. He knew this disease was way bigger than him, and he tried valiantly to conquer it. We “normys” as he explains, could never get it. We just don’t battle this scourge in our bodies.
My heart goes out to him– all of his work toward trying to get a life back, and tears are dripping onto my computer as I write this. My only consolation, and I can confidently say we feel this collectively, is that our Friend is in God’s arms now, and he will never, ever be in torment again.
He can have all the God-supplied warm honey in his veins he wants, with no perilous repercussions.
Matthew Perry pens a groundbreaking God-moment, which occurred right in his kitchen. He had knelt down earlier, completely desperate (only the second time he prayed in his life, he laments). “Please, God, help me.” All of the sudden there was a “wrinkle” in the air by his table. As he gazed, confused, trying to figure out why the air around him looked like there was a seam in it, the entire room burst into brightness, almost blinding. For seven minutes this glow of love continued, convincing him that God heard him. A spiritual awakening, indeed!
Generosity
When Matthew could hold onto his sobriety, he became very fulfilled helping others. He sponsored many, and no doubt, they appreciated his incredible, terrible knowledge of the disease’s agony. “Matty”, as his friends and family called him, learned that fame was not the be- all and end-all. Neither was money. He wanted his legacy to include his caring for others. He donated half a million dollars to The Perry House, a sobriety home. He pondered Emerson’s poem, “Success”. “… To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.”
There But For The Grace Of God Go I
This breathtakingly gifted man grew up with early divorced parents who had demanding jobs. At five years old, he would fly alone from house to house, Canada, where his mom lived, to LA, where his dad resided. Each began their own new families. Matthew felt abandoned. As he says, “There were multiple holes I was trying to fill.”
We of the non-alcoholic and non-addict variety, are supremely lucky to fill our own holes with community, activities, sports, movies, music, T.V., novels, laughter. Instead of picking up an opioid, or picking up a drink, we just pick up the phone and vent to a trusted friend.
Any of us could have been born with this devastating genetic predisposition to addiction. I am reminded of this especially when I think of so many other incredible artists we have lost wayyyy before their time. Chris Farley attempted sobriety multiple times, too. Just crushing.
We all mourn our Chandler Bing. I cannot imagine how his fellow Friends cast feel. I highly recommend his Memoir. At the end he tells his readers that the most important assets in life are not his Porche, Bentleys and gorgeous homes with a view, but his family and friends who stuck by him every day when he was hospitalized. The book is so full of valuable wisdom for everyone.
Bravo, Matthew Perry, and Godspeed!
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