For most of my life, I’ve bought into the commonly held belief that good marriages are relatively free of conflict. It may seem obvious to some, but not all, that the best relationships are ones born out of trust and vulnerability. What better way to practice being vulnerable and learning to trust your partner than working through conflict together successfully.
When each partner approaches one another as an equal working through conflict can nourish rather than drain a relationship. Differences between partners can be complimentary. They are advantageous and desirable and don’t create a hindrance to the relationship; instead they contribute to its growth.
The problem for many of us is that we grew up in families where we observed unhealthy templates for resolving conflicts. For instance, divorce runs in my family and I observed my own parents’ and those of close relatives having disputes that we followed by separation, breakup, and divorce.
According to author Marcia Naomi Berger, many couples believe the myth that if a marriage is healthy all issues get resolved. She writes: “Simply put, it is not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it is the manner in which the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.” This view that many problems in a marriage can be managed is shared by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman who advises us that couples can live with unsolvable differences about ongoing issues in their relationship as long as they aren’t deal breakers.
For instance, Jena and Trevor, both in their mid-thirties and married for eight years argue about household chores. “I’ve been unhappy with Trevor’s messiness for some time,” complains Jena. “I’ve asked Trevor to be more considerate of my needs and put his clothes away, but things don’t appear to be changing. It feels like I’m at the bottom of his list.” To this Trevor laments: “Jena puts too much focus on neatness and misses the big picture. Most guys are slobs and I think I do OK.” The common thread in these statements is this couple’s focus on “fixing” the other person rather than on taking specific actions to change their part in a relationship dynamic that is undesirable.
During their second counseling session, I had both Jena and Trevor make a list of their priorities and non-negotiable deal breakers. Interestingly, Jena decided she could tolerate Trevor’s messiness as long as he continued to do his own laundry and take his shirts to the cleaners. Trevor on the other hand, had no tolerance for Jena’s tendency to shop excessively and subsequently elevate their credit card debt. However, Jena had been shopping less over the last year and paid down their debt with a second, part-time job. In the end, Trevor decided that he was OK with Jena’s complaints about his messiness as long as she continued to curb her tendency to shop excessively.
Whereas we hear a lot about the value of couples learning better communication skills, teaching couples to give and take – is essential to helping both people feel relatively satisfied in their relationship. According to the authors of the study The Normal Bar, the happiest couples learn to compromise. They write: “This seems to be the core secret for relationship happiness: frequent compromises over time, and balance in giving and getting, conceding and winning.”
What is the meaning of the word compromise? It’s a settlement by which each side makes concessions. And while this doesn’t sound romantic, if you decide you want to save your marriage, you have to learn to negotiate – which the essence of compromise. Negotiation is about diplomacy and is a tool that will help you and your partner get on the same side and to become intimately connected.
According to psychologist Harriet Lerner, a good fight can clear the air. She writes: “and it’s nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it. Many couples, however, get trapped in endless rounds of fighting and blaming that they don’t know how to get out of. When fights go unchecked and unrepaired, they can eventually erode love and respect which are the bedrock of any successful relationship.”
After all, every very relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict goes with the territory. Yet you might avoid conflict because it may have signified the end of your parents’ marriage or lead to bitter disputes. Marriage counselor, Michele Weiner Davis explains that avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships. She posits that bottling up negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t give your partner a chance to change their behavior. On the other hand, Weiner cautions that one of the secrets of a good marriage or romantic relationship is learning to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones.
Studies show that productive arguments can actually help couples strengthen their bond and stay together. According to research from several psychologists, including relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, couples can learn ways to have more productive disagreements that are more akin to discussions rather than arguments. The following guidelines were adapted from Gottman’s research and my own clinical observations.
7 steps to managing conflicts with your partner:
- Create time and a relaxed atmosphere to interact with your partner on a regular basis. Ask for what you need in an assertive (non-aggressive) way and be willing to see your partner’s side of the story.
- Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude. Avoid trying to prove a point and examine your part in a disagreement. Listen to your partner’s requests and ask for clarification on issues than are unclear. Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings. Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings – especially if it’s an important issue rather than stonewalling or shutting down.
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements that tend to come across as blameful – such as “I felt hurt when purchased the car without discussing it with me.”
- Take a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts
- Show attunement with your partner with non-verbal eye contact, body posture, and gestures that demonstrate your intention to listen and compromise.
- Determine your deal-breakers – those non-negotiable items that are crucial to your happiness. For instance, your partner might want an open relationship and you might feel strongly that both you and your partner need to honor fidelity.
- Establish an open-ended dialogue: Don’t make threats. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later. Be assertive yet open in your attempts to negotiate for what you want from your partner. Both individuals in a relationship deserve to get some (not all) of their needs met.
According to Dr. John Gottman, the thing that seems to be breaking up many couples is difficulty bouncing back from a conflict or disagreement in a healthy way. He tells Business Insider that you’ve got to get back on track after a fight if you don’t want issues to fester. It’s essential that you discuss concerns that arise with your partner in a timely fashion and become better at repair skills.
In closing, using compromise is an essential tool to preserving an intimate relationship. Couples can strengthen their connection if they embrace the notion that conflict is an inevitable part of a committed, romantic relationship. When one or both partners shuts down or becomes critical, issues often get swept under the rug and are never resolved – leaving the partner who feels hurt – or both people – even more resentful. However, couples who learn to resolve conflicts in healthy ways are on their way to building a successful relationship that endures the test of time.
Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.
Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.
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