5 things to Consider If Your Ex Wants to be Your Friend

Let’s face it, many people are not emotionally ready to move on after a breakup and believe that preserving a friendship with their ex (assuming there was one) is useful. While it’s normal to want to undo the past, so often when we try to forge a friendship with our ex-spouse we are blindsided by complications and pitfalls.

When my marriage ended, I felt a lot of pressure to maintain a friendship with my ex and found out over time that it wasn’t practical or in the best interests of myself or my children. In my case, I believe that I was looking for closure by trying to be friends with my ex – but soon realized that letting go of the reasons why our marriage dissolved was a healthier decision. I also came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to have all of the answers to why my marriage failed in order to move on.

That being said, some ex’s can pull off a friendship if they maintain good boundaries and neither one of them have a high conflict personality. Kendra, 38, a middle school teacher was able to maintain contact with her ex-partner for special occasions because he respected her privacy, didn’t stop by unannounced and had developed a support network, including a new wife.

There are many reasons why people strive to be friends with their ex after a breakup or divorce. One of the reasons is that they like to share resources and help each other out. They still consider themselves to be friends. Melinda, 46, a journalist, confides: “I can’t really completely heal from the breakup unless we stay in touch. I know that John shares my view, and that’s what works best for us.”

Another reason why people want to stay in close contact with a former partner after a breakup is guilt. Sometimes the person who is the dumper feels guilty about leaving the relationship, especially if they were unfaithful, and wants to remain friendly with the dumpee to help to ease their guilt. In this case, counseling with a qualified therapist is a more effective way to deal with these leftover emotions.

Further, some individuals keep their relationship alive because they hope for reconciliation but they don’t necessarily acknowledge it. According to Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, “Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact.” Alan, age thirty-eight, reflects: I tried to keep in touch with Alyssa with the hope that we could mend things and one day get back together – even though I knew she was dating someone else.”

5 Things to Consider If Your Ex Wants to Be Your Friend:

1. You both need time and space to heal and regular contact (text, face-face, etc.) can extend the healing process. You need to give your relationship time to die naturally.

2. It’s important to forge a new identity: After the breakup, it’s key to lose your identity as a couple and to return to who you were as an individual, rather than half of a couple.

3. You need to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship. Like all losses, the breakup of a long-term relationship or marriage causes people to go through various stages of grief. In order to move through anger, denial, etc. it’s essential that individuals have the emotional and physical space to do this.

4. It can create confusion for children. It’s normal for children to experience reconciliation fantasies and seeing their parents spend time together (social events, holidays, etc.) can cause them to long for their pre-divorce family. Children benefit from parents who are collaborative but not necessarily close friends post-divorce.

5. You need energy to “take care of yourself” and to form new relationships. Maintaining a close friendship with an ex (especially if it’s emotionally or physically intimate) can delay this process. At some point, it’s crucial to accept your divorce come to a place of moving on from the past.

For instance, Clarissa, 43, an emergency room nurse thought that maintain a friendship with her ex at his request might help him adjust but it delayed his grieving. She reflects, “After I left my husband, David, he took it very hard and wanted to be friends. I thought that if we hung out sometimes, it would help him deal with being alone but it only made things worse. I let my guilt and his feelings of rejection be the driving force rather than common sense. It took him a few years to get over our breakup and he usually didn’t respond well to me saying “no” when he wanted to stop by unannounced. It put me in an awkward position, especially when our kids were around and wanted him to stay.”

It’s important to be aware that for many people, the drawbacks of being friends with your ex usually outweigh the benefits. It’s often difficult to maintain clear boundaries with a former spouse – especially if you feel guilty about ending the marriage. You might be too flexible or accommodating due to guilt feelings. It’s also confusing for children to see their parents together often and sets the stage for more reconciliation fantasies.

However, if you have children, maintaining a cooperative relationship with their other parent can help them adjust and thrive. Most of all, keep in mind that it’s important to take care of you and give yourself time to heal and to develop new relationships after a divorce. If maintaining a friendship with your ex-spouse complicates this process, then it might not be the best idea or serve you well in the long run.

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.

Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.