This is Part 1 of a two-part series on how to notice and address defensiveness in yourself, to both have better mental health individually and much more peace and productivity in your personal and professional relationships.
One of the privileges of my work is hearing from readers or event attendees who get an “a-ha” moment from something I write or say—and then take simple steps to improve their relationships.
One woman told me that in reading The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages she had been challenged to be as kind to her spouse in private as she was in public (which, according to my research, 75% of highly happy couples are). She thanked me for helping her marriage in such a practical way. I thought that was the extent of our interaction until she moved a half a step closer.
“Things weren’t always good between us,” she said, recounting a specific scene from early in her marriage in which she folded her arms, got defensive about her poor behavior, and deflected blame to her husband. She’d done this many times. They volleyed blame back and forth for a few minutes until he blurted, “It doesn’t have to be this way. We’re on the same side.”
The words marked a turning point in their relationship—one that she has never forgotten. The moment was so significant, she even remembers what she was wearing.
“I didn’t realize I was so defensive all the time,” she confessed.
Do you maybe need that same realization? That same turning point? As you’ll see in a moment, if you suspect you might regularly slip into defensive tendencies, it is something to take very, very seriously for the sake of your relationships. Seven simple steps can set you on a path to a less-defensive you—and improve your marriage and other relationships at the same time. In part 1 we will tackle the first three, then finish the rest in part 2.
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